Career Moves For Burnt Out Personifications Read online

  GRIM REAPER: “But, inevitably, I ran out of fresh things to say. People started nodding off during my sermons. Trouble was, they never woke up again.”

  Pic: Congregation filing out, several remain behind, slumped over in the pews, dead. People look askance at the corpses.

  GR: “This didn’t jive with our ‘born again’ ideology. Not to mention the hit our donations took. So I had to resign.”

  Pic: GR leaves the church, dejected. A long line of hearses in front load the bodies.

  GR: “Problem is, I have an overwhelming personality. It’s giving me a Typhoid Mary complex. I just want people to like me, is that so wrong? What I wouldn’t give to get laid!”

  Pic: Looks down inside his robe.

  GR: “Oh well, doesn’t look like I have anything to get laid with, anyhow.”

  Pic: GR goes back to watching the street musician play guitar.

  GR: “If I only had a buffer to shield people from my full power.”

  Pic: Musician finishes playing. People applaud and drop money in his guitar case. Enlightenment dawns on GR’s face.

  GR: “Hold on, I’ve got an idea!”

  Pic: GR becomes fully visible again. People recoil.

  Pic: People flee in terror. GR speaks to the musician who is recoiling in abject horror.

  GR: “May I have a look at your guitar, please?”

  Pic: Musician thrusts the guitar at GR.

  MUSICIAN: “Take it man, it’s yours!”

  Pic: Musician flees, all around is chaos as terrified people join the retreat. GR studies the instrument intently.

  Pic: GR Looks up, grinning.

  Pic: GR in glittering array playing guitar on stage. The guitar is a recycled scythe. Banks of huge amps behind him. Skull and death motif on the stage, lights playing about. The rest of the band is not visible, just a hand on a guitar, a drum set with the drummer off panel.

  So, the old Scythe Dude began a new career as a rock superstar.

  Pic: Pan back to show the front rows of fans and the stage edge. Music pours from the amps forming a protective wall between them and the Grim Reaper.

  A great wall of music cushioned his overwhelming personality.

  Pic: Wide shot from the back of the arena. Fans dancing and cheering. Other band members are visible now, but cannot be clearly distinguished. A screen above the stage projects a close up of GR’s face.

  And anybody who heard him play lived happily ever after.

  Ebenezer Scrooge Wises Up

  Everybody thinks the Christmas Carol story is so heart warming. But what about Ebenezer Scrooge – has he been taken for a ride?

  Pic: Ebenezer Scrooge at his desk, quill pen in hand, eyes anxious. Outside the window is dark, ominous winter. The three Christmas ghosts look in at him sternly from the street. Jacob Marley clanks past with an evil leer. Behind him, Scrooge’s office is dark and cold.

  Pic: Scrooge walks down a street of 1830’s London. Christmas decorations, turkey hanging in a shop window, good cheer, kids playing, etc. Scrooge carries a medium-sized carpet bag.

  SCROOGE: “You know, I rather enjoyed being a miser.”

  Pic: He hands money to a couple of shabby beggars.

  SCROOGE: “I had plenty of dough, and people knew enough not to bother me about it.”

  Pic: He pays off some carolers with his last ready cash.

  SCROOGE: “One thing I’ve learned is that people love you exactly as long as your money lasts.”

  Pic: Scrooge pulls out his empty pockets, sheepishly declines a handout to an offended beggar.

  SCROOGE: “After that, you’re Scrooged.”

  Pic: People scoff at him. Little kids throw stones. Scrooge cringes and hurries along.

  Pic: Wavy thought lines around the scene. We’re in the memory land of a few years earlier. Glowering Scrooge trudges along the street, people cross to get out of his way, children cower.

  SCROOGE (OP): “Ah the good old days!”

  Pic: Scrooge trudges up the stairs of his dark, gloomy house. A thunderous scowl on his face. A shadowy hearse precedes him up the stairs.

  SCROOGE: “Christmas – bah, humbug!”

  Pic: Scrooge sits by his hearth, aghast, drops his bowl of soup in shock. Jacob Marley comes in through the door dragging his great chain.

  SCROOGE (OP): “There I was, not bothering a soul, when my late business partner suddenly barged in.”

  Pic: Jacob sits on a chair opposite Scrooge at the fireplace. Jacob has removed his head tie down, and his mouth gapes open grotesquely. Scrooge sits nervously, though his initial horror has abated.

  SCROOGE (OP): “Jacob always was a bombastic schmuck. I thought I’d never get rid of him.”

  Pic: Jacob drifts up and out through the window.

  SCROOGE (OP): “Finally he got the hell out.”

  Pic: Scrooge blissfully asleep, night cap on his head. Winged sacks of money float in Scrooge’s dream bubble.

  SCROOGE (OP): “So, I could enjoy some well-earned rest at last – visions of sugarbucks dancing in my head.”

  Pic: Scrooge sits up screaming. His night cap stands straight up. The three Christmas ghosts are entering his room.

  SCROOGE (OP): “When suddenly, these #@#!! ghosts appeared!”

  Pic: The ghosts have closed in around Scrooge’s bed. He quivers with terror, holding up the bed sheet under his chin.

  SCROOGE (OP): “I was plenty scared, let me tell you.”

  Pic: Terrified Scrooge flying through the air with the Ghost of Christmas Past. Below is Scrooge’s old boarding school.

  SCROOGE (OP): “They jerked me around through Christmas Past ...”

  Pic: Christmas Present ghost has Scrooge by the collar, dragging him through the streets, looking into Bob Cratchit’s impoverished house.

  SCROOGE (OP): “Christmas Present ...”

  Pic: At the cemetery with the skeletal, hooded Christmas Yet-to-Come ghost. Scrooge looks in horror at his own tombstone.

  SCROOGE (OP): “and Christmas Yet-to-Come.”

  Pic: Christmas Yet-to-Come thrusts a ghastly finger into Scrooge’s terrified wide-eyed face.

  SCROOGE (OP): “‘Change your ways!’” they told me.”

  Pic: Back in the present. Scrooge shrugs, hands out.

  SCROOGE: “What the hell could I do? What would you do?”

  Pic: Back in memory land – Scrooge walks the streets, scattering coins to the passersby.

  SCROOGE (OP): “So, I became Mr. Generosity, the big soft touch – Uncle Sucker.”

  Pic: Prosperous, grateful looking Bob at a fine desk. Scrooge rests a proud hand on his shoulder.

  SCROOGE (OP): “I made Bob Cratchit a full partner. Taught him all I knew.”

  Pic: Bob making entries in a ledger, a large money bag on his desk. A sly look on his face as he glances over at Scrooge working in the next room.

  SCROOGE (OP): “I trusted him with everything.”

  Pic: Doctor examining Tiny Tim’s leg. Crutch leans against the wall. Scrooge looks on, concerned.

  SCROOGE (OP): “I spent a fortune on treatments for Tiny Tim.”

  Pic: A somewhat older Tim gamboling without his crutch. Scrooge observes with a beatific smile.

  SCROOGE (OP): “How it warmed my heart to see him get better!”

  Pic: Representatives of the Relief Society receive a large check from Scrooge in his office. They examine it bug-eyed.

  SCROOGE (OP): “And every freeloader who showed up at Christmas time got a big hand out.”

  Pic: Back in the present – on the sidewalk, Scrooge rubs his hands against the cold.

  SCROOGE: “So, what was my reward for all this?”

  Pic: Memory land – Scrooge being kicked out the front door by a laughing, brutal Cratchit. Above the doorway a sign reads: Scrooge & Cratchit, Ltd.

  SCROOGE (OP): “As soon as he could, Bob Cratchit swindled me out of my business.”

  Pic:
Scrooge lying in the gutter. Cratchit crosses out Scrooge’s name on the sign.

  SCROOGE (OP): “He handled it real sneaky and legal like.”

  Pic: Scrooge tries to get back in the door, but the way is blocked by two burly policemen. Behind them, Cratchit grins arrogantly, arms crossed over his chest.

  SCROOGE (OP): “I couldn’t do a damned thing about it.”

  Pic: Back in the present. Scrooge gestures down the sidewalk toward a lecherous, well-dressed young man striding along with a strumpet. He has a long, thin cigar clamped in his teeth and wears a rakish top hat.

  SCROOGE: “And Tim? Why, there he is now, all full of piss & vinegar.”

  Pic: Tim and his woman enter a carriage.

  SCROOGE (OP): “Everything he has, he owes to me. But does he ever think about good old Uncle Scrooge?”

  Pic: The carriage splashes Scrooge with slush. He jumps back, alarmed. Tim can be seen through the back window, laughing. Strumpet shouts out the side window.

  STRUMPET: “Keep outta the way, old man!”

  Pic: Scrooge brushes himself off.

  SCROOGE: “Well, I’ve had enough of this scam.”

  Pic: He hails a carriage.

  SCROOGE: “Those ghosts sure pulled one over on me. What a racket!”

  Pic: Inside the carriage, Scrooge affectionately pats the carpet bag on the seat beside him.

  SCROOGE: “Good thing I kept some funds aside for a fresh start.”

  Pic: Carriage arrives at modern, bustling Heathrow Airport. Scrooge gets out at a terminal.

  Pic: Scrooge goes through airport security. People look askance at his antique appearance.

  TEENAGER IN LINE: “Check out the old dude.”

  SECOND TEENAGER: “Doesn’t he know Halloween is over?”

  Pic: Scrooge on the airplane, drink in hand. A spaced-out kid sits next to him with earphones plugged in his ears. Across the aisle sits the family from the Santa Clause chapter.

  SCROOGE: “In this life, it’s scam or be scammed. And I’m done being a sucker.”

  Pic: Scrooge leaves the air terminal in the U.S. just as Big Tobacco is just coming in. Identical scene as in the “Big Tobacco gets Burned” chapter.

  SCROOGE: “Ah, the good old U.S.A.!”

  Pic: Scrooge stands on a busy street corner, arms outstretched. A large billboard shows a smiling, greedy face with dollar signs for eyes, it states: God wants you to be rich!

  SCROOGE: “Why didn’t I come sooner?”

  Pic: Scrooge inside an office viewing a computer screen cluttered with spam messages. He’s dressed in a modern business suit, although he’s kept his old-fashioned whiskers.

  SCROOGE: “Look at this – every imaginable get-rich-quick scheme!”

  Pic: He holds up a wad of junk mail.

  SCROOGE: “Hoards of suckers, like sheep waiting to get sheered.”

  Pic: Riffles through the junk mail. In the background, a TV blares some investment infomercial.

  SCROOGE: “Bunko religion, crooked foundations, shady mortgage deals, credit card rip offs ...”

  Pic: He changes the TV channel to a news program with war scenes.

  SCROOGE: “Even the government spends trillions it doesn’t have. What a racket! And all those stupid wars – imagine the profits to be made!

  Pic: Scrooge gestures toward the door which has his title etched on the glass: CEO, United Scams of America

  SCROOGE: “I’m back in business and here to stay.”

  Pic: Scrooge relaxes back in his chair behind a massive desk, hands linked behind his head. He has a triumphant, self-satisfied smile on his face. Very much the man in charge.

  SCROOGE: “Honesty – bah, humbug!”

  The Easter Bunny Checks Out

  Ever wondered what would happen if the Easter Bunny was not available this year? The idea is terrible to contemplate.

  Pic: Mom and Eddie (the brat from Santa story) in a park. Numerous other kids are nearby, including Eddie’s younger brother. Eddie points to the Easter Bunny some distance away.

  EDDIE: “Mom look, the Easter Bunny!”

  MOM: “That’s right, Eddie. Isn’t he happy just hip hopping along?”

  Pic: Easter Bunny looks up from his basket full of eggs. Irate look on his face.

  EASTER BUNNY: “Happy? What kind of smart ass talk is that?”

  Pic: Close-up, Easter Bunny has put down the basket. Stands with hands on hips.

  EASTER BUNNY: “You ought to try this awful job. Why, if I had my way – ”

  Pic: A fox gobbles the Easter Bunny in one bite. Chomp! Kids look on in horror, some cry.

  Pic: Fox licks his chops.

  FOX: “Yum!”

  Pic: Eddie runs up. He is very irate and hostile.

  EDDIE: “Hey, you ate the Easter Bunny!”

  FOX: “Yeah. I’m a fox, that’s what I do.”

  Pic: More kids arrive.

  LITTLE GIRL: “But we loved him.”

  FOX: “So did I (burp!) he was delicious.”

  Pic: Kids grab rocks, advance threateningly. Fox becoming uneasy.

  FOX: “If I knew you cared so much, I’d have picked another rabbit.”

  EDDIE: “That’s not good enough!”

  Pic: Kids surround the fox. Fox scans the ring of enemies, has a trapped, desperate look.

  FOX: “There’s lots of bunnies, right? I-I’m sure one of them could replace the Easter guy.”

  EDDIE: “Too late for that. Easter is almost here.”

  Pic: Kids are ready to attack. Fox is terrified.

  FOX: “Hold on! There must be some solution.”

  Pic: Eddie leans in threateningly, ready to brain the fox. Other kids poised to attack.

  EDDIE: “Yeah, like what?”

  FOX: “I ... uh ... well.”

  Pic: Fox has fake bunny ears tied on and a fake button tail over his flowing normal one. Holds an Easter basket. Eddie and other kids gather Easter eggs nearby.

  And so, that year saw a new and exciting Easter Bunny on the job!

  FOX: “Happy Easter everyone!”

  FOX (thought): #@$!

  The Tooth Fairy Bites Off

  It isn’t nice to fool the Tooth Fairy, as one slime ball found out.

  Pic: Tooth Fairy flutters past, coins in each hand. She wears a packaged, bright smile.

  TOOTH FAIRY: “This is one helluva lousy job! In fact, it’s downright hazardous.”

  Pic: She dives under a little boy’s pillow. It’s Eddie from the earlier chapters.

  TF: “And with inflation, I’ve gotta carry more cash all the time.”

  Pic: Eddie rolls over, pinning TF under his head.

  TF (muffled): “Oomph!”

  Pic: TF pulls free. She has a tooth in her hand now.

  TF: “They’re just little kids to you, but to me they’re big as elephants.”

  Pic: A cat jumps onto the bed. TF looks alarmed.

  TF: “There are other risks, too.”

  Pic: She flutters around the room, cat in hot pursuit, knocking things over. Eddie wakes up.

  TF: “See what I mean?”

  EDDIE: “Where’s my Tommy gun when I need it?”

  Pic: Tooth Fairy is outside now, bats fly nearby with lecherous leers.

  TF: “And you never know what low lifes you’re gonna meet.”

  Pic: Owl swoops down threateningly, TF dodges away.

  TF: “Eeek!”

  Pic: Tooth Fairy flutters through the night sky over the roof tops of a suburban neighborhood. Santa’s sleigh flies high above, Tommy gun blazing.

  TF: “There simply has to be something better for me.”

  Pic: Daytime at TF’s house. She reads a piece of junk mail: Congratulations you’ve won! Call 1-800-etc. to claim your prize.

  TF (OP): “Then I got this ‘special announcement.’ I was rich – I could quit this horrid job!”

  Pic: Phone lies on its side. TF talks int
o the mouthpiece with a little electronic megaphone.

  TF (OP): “I couldn’t wait to call the toll-free number.”

  Pic: A blare of talk comes out of the receiver. TF recoils.

  TF (OP): “But it was all a scam.”

  Pic: TF lowers the phone back on its cradle using a toy crane, blather still coming out.

  TF (OP): “I cut things off quick.”

  Pic: Back in the present. TF with hands on hips, irate.

  TF: “Isn’t that the absolute poopsie? I wasn’t going to let them get away with it. Why should I keep slinging teeth while they get rich cheating people?”

  Pic: TF zeroing in on a guy with a headset on at a call center.

  TF (OP): “It wasn’t long before I tracked down the person who called me.”

  Pic: She shouts at him through her megaphone, he thrashes his arms futilely.

  TF: “Who’s your boss, punk?”

  Pic: Ebenezer Scrooge in his fancy, modern suit – CEO United Scams of America. Two fairies smash through the glass on the door, wielding tiny sledge hammers.

  TF (OP): “I moved up the hierarchy until I found the head slime ball himself.”

  Pic: Terrified Scrooge jumps out of his chair Fairies swarm through the door.

  TF (OP): “Other fairies helped. Of course, I had to offer an incentive.”

  Pic: Fairies chase Scrooge, shouting through their megaphones. Others tangle in his frizzy side whiskers and fringe of hair on his bald head. A shocked secretary looks in from the door.

  FAIRIES: “We’ll call the FBI!” “We’ll tell your wife about your bimbo!” “We’ll tell the IRS you’re a tax cheat!”

  TF (OP): “I promised to hold a lottery to pick the new tooth fairy once I retired. They actually want this job! Go figure.”

  Pic: Scrooge collapses under the assault. Fairies pile on top of him. The secretary now has a pleased, triumphant look – she gives the fairies a thumbs up.

  TF (OP): “We finally wore him down.”

  Pic: TF holds up one end of a fat check. Another hovering fairy holds the other end.

  TF: “So here’s my money at last! Isn’t it marvie?”

  Pic: TF gestures to the fairy at the other side of the check, who bows. Other fairies applaud.

  TF: “And here’s to the lottery winner. The new Tooth Fairy!”

  Pic: TF cups a hand to her face to face to muffle her comment to the reader.

  TF: “Geez, what a sucker!”

  Pic: Tooth Fairy flies off to the waves and well wishes of the other fairies.

  TF (OP): “So, away I flew to a luxurious retirement.”

  Pic: TF sitting in a lounge chair on a beach with a tiny drink in her hand.

  TF: “It was great, relaxing all day. No more late night creeps. I had so much sleep to catch up on.”

  Pic: Strapping gay men play beach volleyball nearby.

  TF: “The boys are really nice here, too.”

  Pic: Other side of chair. Beside the Tiki bar, SC’s Flying School & Petting Farm can be seen.

  TF: “But you can only lie around so much before you start getting bored.”

  Pic: Volley ball bounces past, well endowed young man chases it.

  TF: “I wanted to do something useful, where everybody could have fun.”

  Pic: She gestures toward a little one-story office with a sign above the door: TF’s Wild Side Dating Service. Men line up outside, also women in dominatrix attire. Various weirdo types.

  TF: “So, I opened my new dating service!”

  Pic: Tooth Fairy winks at the reader.

  TF: “Okay, Sugarplum, what little reward can I bring you tonight?”

  Ishmael Reconsiders

  We’ve all heard of business enterprises “going under,” but this is an extreme case.