Career Moves For Burnt Out Personifications Read online

  Pic: Ishmael makes it on top of the coffin, doesn’t notice Moby Dick behind him.

  ISHMEAL: “Well, this sucks. Beats the hell out of being inside, though.”

  Pic: Moby Dick veers off, leaving him unmolested. Ishmael turns toward the reader.

  ISHMEAL: “I just wanted to try whaling for a change – big mistake. How could I know the captain was wacko?”

  Pic: Gestures at the empty ocean and the wreckage clutter. A bottle of rum and some other debris float by.

  ISHMEAL: “He ran us all over the world chasing the white whale. You can see what it got us. Of course, you know all that from the book or the movies.”

  Pic: Snatches the bottle of rum out of the water.

  ISHMEAL: “Hey, what’s this?”

  Pic: The Next Day. Ishmael has set things up pretty well on the coffin top. Dozes in a makeshift lawn chair. Wears sunglasses. A rum cocktail sits on the chair arm.

  ISHMEAL: “Zzzz”

  Pic: Scene pans back, shows the Rachel approaching. Ishmael jerks awake. A sailor hails him from the deck.

  SAILOR: “Ahoy!”

  Pic: Ishmael sits up, alert.

  ISHMAEL: “Damn, I was just getting a good tan. Oh, well.”

  Pic: Ishmael waves to the Rachel.

  ISHMAEL: “Ahoy!”

  Pic: Ishmael sits in a boat with several oarsmen, they make for the Rachel. Ishmael’s abandoned coffin craft recedes.

  ISHMAEL: “I wonder what happens next. The book ends here, you know.”

  Pic: Ishmael climbs up the Rachel’s hull. The captain and several crewmen look on.

  ISHMAEL: “I’ll ask if they have an outside suite.”

  Pic: Ishmael gains the deck. The captain greets him in a smiling, expansive way.

  CAPTAIN: “Welcome aboard, son. Have a ship wreck?”

  ISHMAEL: “No thanks, sir, I’ve already had one.”

  Pic: Ishmael salutes.

  CAPTAIN: “I’m Captain Gardiner of the good whaling ship Rachel.”

  ISHMAEL: “Call me Ishmael. From the Pequod.”

  Pic: Capt. Gardiner looks quizzical.

  CAPT. GARDINER: “What of Captain Ahab?”

  ISHMAEL: “Lost with all hands, sir. Moby Dick done the honors.”

  Pic: Capt. Gardiner rubs his hands with satisfaction.

  GARDINER: “Couldn’t happen to a nicer fellow!”

  ISHMAEL: “Yes sir!”

  Pic: Capt. Gardiner claps Ishmael jovially on the shoulder.

  CAPT. GARDINER: “Don’t worry, son, I need another crewman. You’ll fit right in.”

  ISHMAEL: “Uh, I’ve sort of retired from whaling, sir.”

  Pic: Captain leans in on Ishmael, threateningly, points toward the coffin bobbing in the distance.

  CAPT. GARDINER: “Farewell, then, matie. It’s a long ride to Nantucket on the Coffin Express!”

  Pic: Vicious sharks leer up from the water, teeth flashing. Ishmael looks down at them, terrified.

  GARDINER: “If the sharks don’t get ye first!”

  ISHMAEL: “Uh … maybe I could reconsider.”

  Pic: The Next Day. Ishmael mans an oar on a small whaling boat. Harpooner stands in the bow. Two other boats nearby, whales swim all around.

  ISHMAEL: “So, I’m back in the saddle again, as it were.”

  Pic: Harpooner flings his harpoon into a whale.

  Ishmael: “But as soon as this voyage is over, I’m mending my ways.”

  Pic: The whale takes off, towing the boat with it fast. Ishmael and the other crewmen jerk back with the acceleration.

  ISHMAEL: “You can count on that!”

  Pic: One Year Later. Ishmael stands on the deck of a modern ship with a delighted little child in his arms. A sign behind him reads: Cap’n Ishmael’s Whale Watch Tours

  There is more lettering on the sign, but people block the view. They crowd the railing with cameras. Whales cavort around the ship.

  The Red Menace Fades

  What happens to radical political ideologies when the Party is finally over?

  Pic: Large, empty hall after a wild party. Empty booze bottles, upended furniture, busted dishes. Steamers and balloons. The walls are festooned with hammer & sickle banners and framed portraits of Lenin and Marx. The pictures hang askew, cracked glass.

  Pic: Red Menace walks down the street, dejected. Carries a bass drum from shoulder straps. The drum face displays changeable printed slogans. Drum slogan – Workers of the World Unite

  RED MENACE: “Alas, I have truly come down a long way, comrades.”

  Pic: Two hecklers drive past in a convertible.

  HECKLER: “Hey, Red! Looking a little ‘pinko’ around the gills these days, ain’t ya?”

  Pic: The car disappears, leaving a dust cloud. Red leers after it. Drum has changed slogan – Arise Ye Wretched of the Earth

  Pic: Red looks at the reader with a disgusted expression. People on the sidewalk are laughing at him, kids throw stones. Drum slogan – All History is Class Struggle

  RED MENACE: “At one time those guys would have swung pretty quick, or gotten a condo in the Gulag!”

  Pic: Memory. Red Menace leads a mass of Soviet troops marching in Red Square, bayonets fixed, robotic eyes. Jet aircraft streak overhead. Faceless group watches from atop Lenin’s tomb. Red is beating his drum with gusto. Drum slogan – Eat at Joe’s

  RED (OP): “For decades I was on the march.”

  Pic: Same parade. Red kicks a Capitalist Pig stereotype – large, fat pig with a cigar in its mouth. Wears striped pants (like Uncle Sam) and a vest and top hat with dollar signs on them.

  RED (OP): “Anybody who got in my way did so at his peril!”

  Pic: Red Menace harangues a huge mob from a podium. Alongside him, Castro and Mao rant. Khrushchev bangs a shoe on a podium. Lenin shouts. Lesser leaders crowd up – Kim Il Sung, Ho Chi Minh, etc. A large banner flutters proudly – Long Live Marxism-Leninism

  RED (OP): “And nobody could spellbind the broad masses like I could.”

  Pic: Joyous Red Menace, et. al. in a big sailing canoe going down a blood red river. Passengers include Lenin, Marx, Mao, the Grim Reaper, etc. Corpses float by, arms and legs stick up. Sign posts on the blasted shore denote the locations of various communist atrocities – Berlin Korea Budapest Cambodia Afghanistan Prague

  RED (OP): “I was cascading to world domination on the great Revolutionary River!”

  Pic: They disembark onto the blasted shore near a sign post: Great Disorder Across the Land Leads to Great Order

  RED (OP): “We had all the answers. Only we understood the method behind our madness.”

  Pic: Grim Reaper leads the way, scything down masses of people. Red Menace and the rest follow behind, cheering and blowing kisses to the piles of corpses. Sign by a large corpse pile – The Greatest Productive Power is the Revolutionary Class

  RED (OP): “Nobody could stop our progress toward the Great Socialist Paradise!”

  Pic: The boys are back aboard the canoe. Red Menace looks up dismayed at the flaccid canoe sail.

  RED (OP): “But just as we seemed about to triumph, the wind went out of our sail.”

  Pic: View of fetid sewage alongside the hull. Various Commie memorabilia float by – statues, banners, etc. Arrow sign post on bank indicates the turn off – Shit Creek This-a-Way

  RED (OP): “And that Revolution River veered off into Shit Creek.”

  Pic: Back in the present. Red holds up a broken paddle, wears baffled expression.

  RED: “And I was heading upstream without a paddle.”

  Pic: Tosses the broken paddle over his shoulder, regretful expression.

  Pic: Various Commie corpses lying in idolatrous state – Lenin, Mao, Kim Il Sung, Ho. Crass commercialism around the stiffs – souvenir hawkers, young people listening to portable music players with earphones. Sticker on Lenin’s coffin: Made in China

  RED: “Ah, the good old d
ays. All the great early leaders are just cold cuts now.”

  Pic: Red Menace in the canoe with cardboard cut out / inflatable men – Kim Jong Un, Raul Castro, Hugo Chavez, etc. Red looks at them, dismayed.

  RED (OP): “And the men who replaced them were a bunch of nobodies.”

  Pic: Red atop the Berlin wall, orating and beating his drum. Silent crowd below looks on. Drum slogan – Abolish Private Property

  RED (OP): “I completely lost my crowd appeal. First they stopped listening.”

  Pic: Still atop the Berlin wall. The crowd is now booing and throwing rubbish. Red ducks. Drum slogan – For a Good Time Call Sue 733-7588

  RED (OP): “Then they got downright nasty.”

  Pic: Uncle Sam climbing up the wall, unbeknownst to Red. Hostile crowd continues to harass Red who tries to cover up. Drum slogan – The End Justifies the Means

  RED (OP): “Worst of all, the #%$! U.S. got involved.”

  Pic: Red struggles with U.S. atop the Berlin wall. Same picture as in the “Uncle Sam Gets His Groove Back” chapter.

  RED (OP): “He was one tough s.o.b.!”

  Pic: U.S. kicks Red off the wall to wild cheers from the crowd. Red sails through the air.

  RED (OP): “I did the best I could.”

  Pic: Red lying prostrate. A wrecking ball crashes through the Berlin Wall. Crowd goes wild. Uncle Sam has jumped down to join the crowd. Debris scatters over Red as the wall collapses.

  RED (OP): “But I just couldn’t compete.”

  Pic: Red lying on his back amid Berlin Wall rubble with his broken drum. He looks up to watch the joyous crowd walking away, carrying U.S. on its shoulders. Drum slogan – Got Hemorrhoids?

  RED: “Lousy ingrates! Don’t they know I had their best interests at heart?”

  Pic: Red stands up painfully.

  RED: “So I had to kill a few people along the way … the end justifies the means, right?”

  Pic: Red brushes himself off.

  RED: “Well, maybe it was more than just a few murders. More like 100 million, actually ... 150 million tops.”

  Pic: Shrugs innocently.

  RED: “But who’s counting, eh?”

  Pic: Red dejectedly picks up the smashed drum. It’s finally blank. Bulldozers are clearing away the rubble from the wall. Toward the east, in the former communist realm, the golden arches of McDonalds gleam like a beacon from the promised land.

  RED: “Problem is, I’ve been beating the drum, but nobody’s following any more.”

  Pic: Red sits at a table in the empty Party hall looking at the website job board. A half empty vodka bottle rests beside the computer keyboard.

  RED: “There’s got to be something else I can do.”

  Pic: Job ad – Jolly individual wanted for Christmas package delivery. Long Johns provided.

  RED: “Mmm … Naw, that isn’t my style.”

  Pic: Pulls up another job ad – Drummer Wanted

  RED: “Hey, get a load of this!”

  Pic: Same picture that ended the Grim Reaper story. Grimmy plays guitar with his band. The view has opened up to show Red Menace playing drums with tremendous vigor, hair flying wildly.

  And so Red got a new start as drummer for the Grim Menace Band.

  Never let your glory fade!

  Moby Dick Submerges

  Pic: Moby Dick poses on a Save the Whales poster. Has a disgusted, ironic expression.

  Moby Dick finally gets tired of being the poster child for animal cruelty.

  Pic: Moby Dick breaks the ocean surface, overturning a whaling boat.

  SAILORS: “Ahhh!”

  MOBY: “Don’t hate me because I’m white.”

  Pic: Moby leaps into the air.

  MOBY: “What color is your skin? Can you change it?”

  Pic: Terrified men look up from another small boat. A huge whale shadow surrounds them.

  Pic: Moby crashes down on the boat. Splattt!

  MOBY: “It’s just not my fault. I was born this way.”

  MOBY: “I’m minding my own business and people come and stick harpoons in me. ‘Kill the freak!’ they shout.”

  MOBY: “Guess that settles their hash.”

  Pic: Moby closes mouth, veers away.

  MOBY: “On second thought, screw it. Humans taste awful, anyway.”

  Pic: Moby swims away from the carnage.

  MOBY: “I’m fed up with this whole crappy scene.”

  Pic: Swims past the Rachel.

  MOBY: “It’s no picnic being the only white whale. Everybody trying to cut your throat.”

  Pic: Flips out of the water to reveal his full anatomy.

  MOBY: “Actually, I’m not sure I have a throat. I’m sort of this squared off blob.”

  Pic: Swims along, the Rachel recedes into the distance.

  MOBY: “Then there’re all those school kids reading about me – trying to figure out the ‘great symbolism’ of my white skin. Jeez, get over it. An accident of genetics made me what I am.”

  Pic: We see Moby Dick’s opposite flank for the first time. Ahab is tangled up in the harpoon lines, one arm flapping.

  MOBY: “And now I’ve got to drag around this Captain Ahab idiot.”

  Pic: Panorama of the harpoons and lines stuck into Moby Dick.

  MOBY: “Look at all these harpoons and stuff. I need a serious makeover – and a new career.”

  Pic: Moby leaps defiantly out of the water.

  MOBY: “I’m sick of this routine. I never got a cent from the movies about me, either.”

  Pic: Moby swims into a modern harbor past a marina filled with upscale sailboats and large powered boats. People relaxing on the boats gape with amazement over their cocktails.

  MOBY (OP): So, after long wanderings, I arrived at a friendly harbor.

  Pic: Moby approaches a mooring. People rush out of a building near the dock. Sign on the building – Bleeding Heart Liberals, Inc. Save the Whales Chapter

  Pic: Men on Moby Dick’s back cut loose the corpse of Captain Ahab from the tangle of harpoon ropes. The body is in sorry condition.

  MOBY (OP): “They finally cut loose Captain Ahab ...”

  Pic: Shipboard ceremony. Sailors stand at attention while a box is dumped overboard. The box is covered with postage stamps. Express Delivery is written on the side.

  MOBY (OP): “and gave him a proper burial at sea.”

  Pic: Veterinary surgeon in white lab coat strains to pull a harpoon out of Moby Dick’s back. An oversized scalpel, a jug of medication, and a large needle with thread lay nearby. Stitches indicate spots where other harpoons have already been removed.

  VET : “Whew, I gotta go back to operating on puppy dogs!”

  MOBY (OP): “Then I got my makeover.”

  Pic: Moby Dick floats alongside the whale watch ship. Ishmael and the others wave to him. Moby has a submarine module strapped to his back and is taking on delighted passengers from a pier. Sign – Cap’n Ishmael’s Whale Watch Tours & Submarine Rides

  MOBY (OP): “And a new career in tourism. I’m glad Ishmael doesn’t hold a grudge!”

  Pic: Last passenger enters. Submarine module door closes.

  MOBY: “This sure beats the hell out of being a symbolic pincushion.”

  Pic: Moby submerges with his passengers.

  MOBY: “Yippee Ya Yea!”

  MOBY (thought): “Am I in the wrong story to say that?”

  Big Tobacco Gets Burned

  Pic: Big Tobacco relaxes in a smoking chair. He’s inside a mausoleum; behind him are tiers of crypts. Through the smoke cloud around his head, is a crafty smile. On the chair arm, an upended human skull half serves as an ashtray. It’s full of cigarette butts.

  Big Tobacco is quite a guy! People are just dying to know him. He’s got serious problems, though. Is our favorite lethal addiction in jeopardy?

  Pic: Big Tobacco being shoved out of a restaurant by irate waiters. Sign in window – Smoke Free Environme
nt

  BIG TOBACCO: “Man, things are tough all over!”

  Pic: He walks past buildings with signs in windows – Thank You for Not Smoking No Smoking!

  BIG TOBACCO: “Everywhere I go, it’s the bum’s rush.”

  Pic: He jerks a thumb at despondent, cringing smokers standing on the sidewalk alongside an office building entrance. They have their collars turned up and faces averted. Sign by building door – No Smoking Within Ten Feet of Entrance

  BIG TOBACCO: “Smokers are a dying breed ... pun intended.”

  Pic: A car zips past. The same car and guys as in the “Red Menace” chapter. Heckler yells at the smokers.

  HECKLER: “Get a life, you @!!#$ losers!”

  Pic: Big Tobacco enters a convenience store.

  BT: “Lawsuits, government meddling, nicotine patches, the Great American Smoke-out ...”

  Pic: He buys a carton of cigarettes at the counter.

  BT: “I’m under attack from every direction.”

  Pic: He gestures toward his fan club looking in the window from the sidewalk. They are a sickly group in wheelchairs, walking with wheeled oxygen tanks, canes, or in other stages of smoking-related disability. They wear caps & T-shirts with cigarette logos. Various sound affects accompany these people – hack, cough, gasp, wheeze, choke, etc.

  BT: “And my Fan Club sure as hell ain’t what it used to be.”

  Pic: Fan Club outside the window cheers Big Tobacco. BT looks as them with sad revulsion. The fan club leader speaks through a mechanical device held to a hole in his throat.

  FAN CLUB LEADER: “Hang in there, Big Tobacco! We’re all behind you.”

  Pic: BT removes a pack of cigarettes from the carton, shakes head with regret.

  BT: “Whatever happened to the macho cowboys & sexy babes?”

  Pic: He jerks a thumb at some kids entering the store – High school boys & girls. Loser types.

  BT: “I can’t even recruit enough young dopes to replace the ones that kick off.”

  Pic: The kids try to buy cigarettes. The manger refuses, pointing to a sign – We don’t sell tobacco to minors

  BT: “See what I mean?”

  Pic: Big Tobacco Leaves the store and brushes past the Fan Club, ignoring their feeble cheers.

  FANS: “Hooray!” “Go get ‘em Big Guy!”

  BT: “The good old days are long gone in the U.S.”

  Pic: Dejected BT walks down the street, hands in pockets, cigarette carton tucked under one arm.

  BT: “Does anybody thank me for all the good I’ve done?”

  Pic: Stops in front of a cemetery gate and lights another cigarette.

  Pic: Enters the cemetery and approaches long rows of graves with tombstones shaped like cigarette packs.

  BT: “Not bloody well likely!”

  Pic: Gestures toward the graves.

  BT: “I get rid of the addicts and help the economy at the same time.”

  Pic: Leans thoughtfully on a large tombstone.

  BT: “How do I benefit the economy, you ask?”

  Pic: Stands upright, speaks with grim authority.

  BT: “Social Security, for instance. These smokers paid into it and then died before they could collect any benefits. Now that’s sound fiscal policy!”

  Pic: A long line of fan club members starts to enter the cemetery, distracts BT.

  BT: “What’s this?”

  Pic: The fan club members shuffle toward a line of open graves with cigarette pack tombstones. Pic: BT brightens, a broad smile can be seen through the cigarette smoke.

  BT: “Ah, a new batch is checking out!”

  Pic: Fan club members dive into the graves, like into a swimming pool. Each one lands in a puff of smoke. Fump! Blump!

  BT (OP): “Only problem is, where do I find their replacements?”

  Pic: Medium shot. BT has turned thoughtful and pedantic again, counts on his fingers.

  BT: “Getting back to economics. Think of all the people working in the tobacco industry, the anti-tobacco industry – the medical and death businesses.”

  Pic: BT assumes a lugubrious, self-pitying aspect.

  BT: “I put a lot of food on the table, but do I get any credit?”

  Pic: BT flourishes his cigarette arrogantly.

  BT: “And I give you smokers a bogus sense of power and control.”

  Pic: He assumes a macho pose.

  BT: “‘Nobody’s gonna tell me what to do!’ you bluster. ‘I’m my own man, and don’t forget it!’”

  Pic: Swaggers along, heading for the cemetery gate.

  BT: “You strut your weakness as if it’s a great strength.”

  Pic: Leaves the cemetery, dejected.

  BT: “Then cancer strikes, and suddenly it’s everybody else’s responsibility. Sue the cigarette company, burden your family, dump your medical bills on the taxpayers.”

  Pic: BT hails a taxi. It looks more like a hearse.

  BT: “Always the same old crap. I’ve heard it all.”

  Pic: BT gets into the taxi front seat. Fan club members get out from the back and head for the graveyard.

  Pic: Cab driver indicates a placard on the dash – Smoke Free Cab

  DRIVER: “Hey, put out the cigarettes, buddy. You want me to lose my license?”

  Pic: Big Tobacco stands outside a bustling airport terminal, lighting a cigarette. The cab departs. The smoke cloud around his head has dissipated from the smoke-free ride, but he’s looking away, so you can’t see his face.

  Pic: BT observes the crowd bustling past. His smoke cloud is replenishing.

  BT: “It’s time to blow this scene.”

  Pic: Crushes out his cigarettes in a sidewalk receptacle. A sign is posted beside the doors – Smokers Get Lost!

  BT: “I know when I’m not wanted.”

  Pic: BT enters the terminal. Ebenezer Scrooge is just leaving with his carpet bag – a starry-eyed look on his face. Identical scene as in the “Ebenezer Scrooge Wises Up” chapter.

  Pic: BT is sitting on an airplane. No Smoking signs are all lit. The smoke cloud is gone from around his head, but he wears a hat pulled low and his collar up to obscure his face. Still has the empty cigarette holder gripped in his teeth.

  BT: “There’s got to be smokier pastures somewhere else.”

  Pic: He reaches a trembling hand toward the beverage cart.

  BT: “A d-double Scotch, p-please.”

  The Horror of Nicotine Withdrawal!

  Pic: BT drinks with a shaking hand. Ice cubes go clinkity-clink

  BT: “This is gonna be a very long flight.”

  Pic: BT exits the airport terminal into a crowded third-world street. The hat and pulled-up collar still obscure his face.

  BT: “Ah, the great Third World at last!”

  Pic: BT buys cigarettes at a sidewalk vendor. Young kids walk by, smoking.

  BT: “Here’s where I belong.”

  Pic: BT’s cigarettes are going again. The smoke cloud starts reforming around his head. He exhales a giant puff.

  BT: “Nirvana!”

  Pic: BT gestures to the teaming masses, the street jammed with vehicles. The smoke cloud is fully reformed around his head.

  BT: “Governments that mind their own business. Billions of lungs to destroy, trillions of cigarettes to deal!

  Pic: Big Tobacco leads a huge throng of people into the sunset, like thee Pied Piper. He plays a lateral flute with a cigarette stuck in the end. Everyone is smoking, and a toxic cloud follows.

  BT (OP): “Trillions and trillions ... ”

  Uncle Sam Gets His Groove Back

  Pic: Uncle Sam flexing a massive biceps. Winks at the reader. Behind him is a blasted landscape.

  Maybe Uncle Sam isn’t so popular around the world these days, but has anyone considered the alternatives?

  Pic: Uncle Sam kicks an Arab terrorist figure who falls sprawling on the sidewalk.

  UNCLE SAM: “Lat
ely I’ve been kicking ass more but enjoying it less.”

  Pic: Elbows aside a Kim Jong Un type character.

  UNCLE SAM: “It used to be kinda fun. Who wouldn’t want to be the toughest s.o.b. on the block?”

  Pic: Tosses a Saddam Hussein type guy into a trash bin.

  US: “Any excuse was OK – like some little nobody is threatening my ‘national security.’ Right!”

  Pic: Pauses thoughtfully.

  US: “But I’m getting tired of it all. Things used to be a lot better ... ”

  Pic: British troops boarding their ships, piles of surrendered muskets on the ground. US sternly points the way to their departure, he wears a George Washington style cocked hat.

  US (OP): “Like the time I sent the Red Coats packing.”

  Pic: US, saber in hand, stands with one foot on the chest of a fallen Confederate general who looks up, battered and stunned. A mansion burns in the background. US wears a Union Army cap. A ragged Confederate flag lies in the dirt. Crowd of slave onlookers cheers.

  US (OP): “Or when I put an end to slavery. That was a proud moment, let me tell you.”

  Pic: US, wearing a rough rider hat, gallops alongside Teddy Roosevelt.

  US (OP): “Later, I drove the Spaniards out of Cuba. And what thanks did I get for that?”

  Pic: Grinning portrait of Fidel Castro. He wears a Screw the US button.

  US (OP): “Lousy Communists!”

  Pic: The German Kaiser crawls away, battered and bloody from a triumphant US who is wearing a tin hat type helmet.

  US (OP): “I made the world safe for democracy in WW1.”

  Pic: Close-up. US strokes his chin thoughtfully.

  US : “Well, that didn’t work out too well.”

  Pic: US standing alone, rolling a sleeve back down. He wears a WW2 style helmet. Hitler, Mussolini, and Tojo lay battered on the ground.

  US (OP): “Before long I had to kick a few more butts.”

  Pic: US kicks the Red Menace off the Berlin Wall. Same picture as in the “Red Menace Fades” chapter.

  US (OP): “And then I retired the Red Menace.”

  Pic: Present time. US approaches a bar with batwing doors.

  US: “How long ago that all seems … the good old days.”

  Pic: US starts to enter the batwing doors.

  US: “I need some liquid consolation.”

  Pic: US enters the bar. It’s filled with disreputable characters – Islamic terrorists, North Koreans, military dictators in bemedaled uniforms.

  US: “What’s this?”

  Pic: Tremendous fight breaks out. US against the whole house. Bartender ducks down. bam! crash!

  Pic: US finishes off the last foe and boots him out the door.

  Pic: US stands alone looking around the empty bar. The place is wrecked. Bartender peers up from behind the bar.

  US: “Anybody else?”

  Pic: US rolls sleeves down and heads for the bar.

  US: “Guess not.”

  Pic: US picks up a fallen bar stool. The bartender puts a bottle on the bar.

  BARTENDER: “That was first rate ass kicking US! I was hoping somebody’d clear out that riff raff.”

  Pic: Bartender pours US a glass.

  BARTENDER: “Our best American bourbon, on the house.”

  US: “Thanks. I worked up quite a thirst.”

  Pic: US picks up the drink.

  US: “Lots of bad guys need straightening out – terrorists, religious nuts, dictators ...”

  BARTENDER: “And don’t forget those bleeding heart liberals!”

  Pic: US settles back.

  US: “I’ve wiped out all kinds. So, why am I so unpopular around the world?”

  BARTENDER: “Because the average schmuck hates what he admires most.”

  Pic: US rocks back, examining his whiskey philosophically. Some people look in the batwing doors, survey the wreckage with alarm.

  US: “Maybe so, but I’m really bothered by all the innocent people who get hurt. We go somewhere to get rid of the bad guys, and we end up destroying the place.”

  BARTENDER (thought): “Yeah, like my bar!”

  Pic: US stands up. People at the door beat a hasty retreat.

  US: “Trouble is, I’m not my own man. Too often there’s some misdirected idiot in Washington deciding what I should do.”

  Pic: US starts to go, carrying the bottle.

  US: “Well, I’ve had enough of it. Thanks for the booze.”

  BARTENDER (thought): “Thank God!”

  BARTENDER: “Come again soon.”

  Pic: US leaves by the back door. Only his long, striped leg can be seen as he exits. Bartender looks ruefully over the destroyed furnishings. Bat wing doors begin swinging open, but the new customers are not visible yet.

  BARTENDER: “The next time he helps me out, I’m gonna be bankrupt.”

  Pic: US standing at a cruise ship rail, guzzling from the whiskey bottle. Passengers look at him askance, including the family from the airliner in the “Santa’s Last Ride” chapter. Mom is still looking into her make-up mirror. On the horizon, the Pequod sails, Moby Dick spouts.

  So, Uncle Sam began a great journey of discovery so as to determine the meaning of his existence.

  Pic: US traversing a barren desert area. Tosses the now empty bottle over his shoulder.

  It took him to all corners of the Earth.

  Pic: US tips his hat to some disreputable guys hanging around a Middle Eastern street corner by a wall poster. Big Tobacco and his flock walk by in the distance with their toxic cloud. Wall poster – Death to America!

  And, no matter how tempted, he did not beat anybody up.

  Pic: US stands outside an ornate gate. Pious looking monks stand around, heads shaved, hands folded, prayer beads. A towering oriental temple looms behind the gate.

  Finally, he reached the great Temple of Wisdom in the Himalayas.

  US: “This looks like the right kinda place to grab some enlightenment.”

  Pic: US walking silently in line with other monks, prayer beads wrapped around his folded hands. A rubber skinhead cap on his head in lieu of shaving the hair – has retained his beard, though. Monk robe covers his star spangled clothes. Has beatific expression.

  He began the simple life of a monk.

  Pic: US on knees scrubbing the floor.

  US (thought): “This isn’t helping my arthritis any.”

  Pic: US sits on the floor with other monks, eating from a rice bowl with chop sticks.

  US (thought): “Man, could I use a double cheeseburger!”

  Pic: US in lotus position, meditating.

  US (thought): “Oooooom my God, this is boring!”

  Pic: Verandah of the temple, US looks across the mountainous vista to the distant lowlands. The head monk is seated in meditation.

  One day he looked to the lands beyond the mountains.

  US: “What country is that down there?”

  HEAD MONK: “That is China, pilgrim. Why do you break vow of silence?”

  Pic: US cocks an eyebrow with suspicion and awakening pugnacity. His beatific expression is disappearing.

  US: “Just tell me about China, okay?”

  HEAD MONK: “Oh, is great and powerful nation again. Some say too powerful.”

  US: “Really?”

  Pic: Head monk stands at the verandah railing. Speaks in a wise, insightful manner, like the guy in the old Kung Fu TV series. US stares out at China, rubbing his chin, a hard look enters his eyes.

  HEAD MONK: “Some believe they are getting ... how you say? ... too big for britches. They seek to become world’s most powerful nation.”

  US: “Is that so?”

  HEAD MONK: “Yes, and all who disagree with government receive iron fist up wazoo.”

  Pic: US looks down at his humble outfit, as if seeing it for the first time.

  Pic: US chucks the prayer beads over his shoulder.


  Pic: US starts pulling off his monk’s robe and skin head.

  US: “Thanks, Your Holyship, you really helped me straighten things out.”

  Pic: US tosses aside his monk outfit. He is his old, robust self.

  US: “I gotta make sure those Chinese don’t try any funny stuff. There’s room for only one Big Kahuna in the world.”

  Pic: Head monk bows piously, hands placed together.

  HEAD MONK: “We were glad to assist your quest. Please pay on way out. All major credit cards accepted.”

  Pic: US strides down the mountain, low sun rays place him in stark, dramatic relief.

  So, Uncle Sam returned to his place with renewed purpose, freed from stupid distractions.

  US: “Stay tuned for further developments, folks.”

  Herr Adolf Goes Under Cover

  Just when we thought we’d gotten rid of the s.o.b., he’s back again!

  HITLER: “I know things didn’t turn out the way I’d planned.”

  HITLER: “That was not the high point of my career, let me tell you!”