Career Moves For Burnt Out Personifications Read online

  Pic: Hitler calms down. Smoothes his uniform.

  HITLER: “History gave me a bad shake. It’s always unkind to losers.”

  Pic: Weeping mourners, full dress Marines saluting, hard-bitten combat GIs with helmets off and heads bowed.

  HITLER: “For example, when President Roosevelt died, millions around the world mourned.”

  Pic: Horse-drawn caisson with its flag-draped casket moves down Pennsylvania Avenue. A large funeral procession in attendance. Mourners crowd the sidewalks.

  HITLER: “He received a magnificent state funeral.”

  Pic: Hitler and Eva being tossed into a ditch, gas cans sit nearby at the ready. The ruined Chancellery looms in the background, the blasted landscape of the Chancellery garden.

  HITLER: “A couple weeks later, when it was my turn to check out, all I got was a quick toss into a ditch.”

  Pic: Flames roar out of the ditch. Uniformed Nazis give the straight-arm salute with one hand, they roast marshmallows & hot dogs with the other.

  HITLER: “A lousy way to go, let me tell you. Not many people to see me off, either.”

  Pic: Present time – Hitler bangs a fist into his palm. He’s by a parking lot with Captain Ishmael’s Whale Watch sign nearby. A Lexus with a Fat Lex bumper sticker is in the parking lot.

  HITLER: “Problem was, I had too many damned enemies!”

  Pic: Hitler struggles with British John Bull. They are choking each other.

  HITLER (OP): “Before I could finish off one ...”

  Pic: Hitler battles Red Menace. Red lands a solid right to Adolf’s jaw.

  HITLER (OP): “I had to fight another.”

  Pic: Uncle Sam kicks him in the ass. Adolf goes flying.

  HITLER (OP): “It got to be way too much.”

  Pic: Adolf and Mussolini lay sprawled out and beaten. Uncle Sam kicks a Japanese militarist over to join them.

  HITLER (OP): “I had only Japan and Italy on my side.”

  Pic: Present time – Hitler stands in front of a Lexus / Alfa Romeo luxury car dealer, looks in the display window.

  HITLER: “Sure they make good cars. But as far as warfare – they were second string.”

  Pic: Hitler wags an upraised finger.

  HITLER: “I was always too soft. But next time, no more Mr. Nice Guy!”

  Pic: Points downward. Cups a hand around his mouth, as if he does not want the ‘powers that be’ to hear him.

  HITLER (whisper): “I’ve learned a few things during my time on the grill.”

  Pic: Business-like, pedantic, counts on his fingers.

  HITLER: “Number 1 – You don’t need to be Aryan to be a true Nazi.”

  Pic: Leans in familiarly, a sly leer on his face.

  HITLER: “Everyone has an Inner Nazi, don’t you know?”

  Pic: Wide shot. Machete-wielding Rwandan Hutus hack down Tutsi civilians. Kikuyus run for their lives from mobs in Kenya.

  HITLER (OP): “All over the world, people are slaughtering each other because they are different tribes ...”

  Pic: Hispanic gang battling the Bloods, or some sort of black / white violence.

  HITLER (OP): “different colors ...”

  Pic: Collage of Irish Catholics battling Protestants, Hindus fighting Muslims, Sunnis fighting Shiites [need not include all].

  HITLER (OP): “different religions.”

  Pic: Hitler has worked himself up into an ecstatic frenzy, arms crossed over his chest, like in one of speeches.

  HITLER: “Pick your toxic prejudice and start killing. Wonderbar!”

  Pic: Leans in close – the leering, conspiratorial look again.

  HITLER: “Ever thought you might be playing into my hands, America?”

  Pic: Counts on his fingers. He’s walking back down the street. The manhole cover comes into view.

  HITLER: “First you turn your nation into a jumble of competing religions, races, and ethnic groups.”

  Pic: Still counting on his fingers, has reached the manhole cover.

  HITLER: “Then you wreck your economy with stupid wars, stupid trade deals, stupid health care ... What’ll all these incompatible people do when the shitze hits the fan?”

  Pic: Vigorously shakes an imaginary bag.

  HITLER: “It’ll be like shaking a bunch of cats and dogs inside a huge bag!”

  Pic: Opens the manhole cover to Hell.

  HITLER: “The last time you suffered a collapse, you got President Roosevelt.”

  Pic: Climbs down the ladder, hand on lid.

  HITLER: “Next time, maybe somebody not quite so nice.”

  Pic: He’s farther down the ladder, pulls the lid down.

  HITLER: “See you later, volks!”

  Pic: Extreme close-up. Only his fiery eyes still show.

  HITLER: “Perhaps sooner than you think.”

  Joe SixPack Meets Executive Suit

  Pic: Executive Suit lunches at a fancy outdoor café. Nearby, Joe SixPack sits on a park bench eating from his lunch bucket. They regard each other warily.

  Seems like everybody wants to make a change these days, no matter how “average” they might already be.

  Pic: Construction site. Men all wear hard hats. Joe SixPack caries a six pack of canned beer under his arm at all times.

  It was a typical day on the job for Joe SixPack.

  COWORKER: “Hey, Joe! Missed you at the monster truck rally last night.”

  JOE: “Yeah, well ... something came up.”

  Pic: Two coworkers approach Joe SixPack.

  COWORKER: “I’ll bet ‘something came up.’ Getting a little nookie on the side, eh?”

  2ND COWORKER: “Hey Joe, lend me 20 bucks. I got a hot number.”

  Pic: Joe hands over money from his wallet, looks at the reader with a disgusted expression.

  JOE: “That’s the way it is around here. Everybody thinks I’m dumb and insensitive.”

  Pic: Coworker leaves smiling. Others with him laugh and look back at Joe, as if they’ve pulled a fast one on him. Joe gestures toward the departing men.

  JOE: “I’m smart, though, and I’d like a chance to prove it. But will they let me? Hell no.”

  Pic: Joe gestures with his wallet.

  JOE: “I want to earn more money, but I’m Joe SixPack, so I can only have an ‘average blue-collar income.’”

  Pic: Joe stuffs the wallet into his back pocket, walks toward the employee parking lot.

  JOE: “I’ve got a wife, a home equity loan, and 2.17 kids, because that’s the average, too.”

  Pic: Arrives at his pickup truck, lights a cigarette. A gun rights sticker is on the back window, a bumper sticker reads Vote No

  JOE: “I gotta get away for a while.”

  Pic: Joe starts driving.

  JOE: “I can’t afford this gas guzzler, so why’d I buy it? Statistical average, that’s why.”

  Pic: Crushes out cigarette in the ashtray.

  JOE: “Same reason I smoke 1.35 packs a day.”

  Pic: Fiddles with the radio controls.

  JOE: “Lousy radio only gets country music and sports broadcasts.”

  Pic: The truck lurches to a stop.

  JOE: “Hey!”

  Pic: Joe gets out and examines the vehicle. Smoke pours from under the hood.

  JOE: “Damned ‘average light truck.’ Must be time for its scheduled breakdown.”

  Pic: Joe starts walking, still has his hard hat and six pack.

  Pic: Executive Suit standing before a group of business executives seated at a conference table. He indicates a graph of plunging sales. Other executives are also empty suits.

  Meanwhile, across town in the faceless atmosphere of a Corporate headquarters, Executive Suit is also hard at work.

  EXECUTIVE SUIT: “Now that our business plan has unraveled and sales have tanked, we’ll declare bankruptcy.”

  Pic: Other executives tense, confer among themselves nervously.
br />   EXECUTIVE SUIT: “Then we scrap our union contract, shift production overseas, and apply for a government bailout.”

  Pic: Other executive raises an empty coat sleeve.

  EXECUTIVE SUIT: “Yes?”

  Pic: Other executives look on with concern.

  OTHER EXECUTIVE: “What about all the pain in the ass workers we still have?”

  EXECUTIVE SUIT: “We’ll begin work force reductions immediately to free up cash for our year-end bonuses.”

  Pic: Execs express enthusiastic approval.

  EXECS: “Brilliant!” “By Gosh, that’s the kind of leadership we need!”

  Pic: Execs crowd around ES offering congratulations, pat his back.

  EXEC: “You’ve sure earned your outrageous salary, ES”

  Pic: Last few participants go out the conference room door. Executive Suit is alone, speaks to the reader sadly.

  ES: “That’s the way it is. Everybody thinks I have all the answers.”

  Pic: He leaves the conference room.

  ES: “So, I have to act like I know all the answers. It’s such a bore.”

  Pic: He walks down a corridor of office cubicles. Workers are heading to the exits carrying boxes with their belongings, security guards escort them. Corporate pep talk sign is on the wall – Family Values Work Place

  ES: “Why can’t I ever have a fun conversation? You know … talk about drinking, deer hunting, or getting laid.”

  Pic: He Leaves the elevator in the underground parking garage.

  ES: “I’ve gotta get away for a while.”

  Pic: Pauses at his Lexus and lights his pipe. Two stickers on back bumper – Fat Lex and My other car is better than yours, too

  ES: “I hate this car! So, why didn’t I buy a pickup truck like I wanted?”

  Pic: Gets in, drives

  ES: “Because I’m a big Executive Suit. I’m supposed to drive a status symbol like this.”

  Pic: Fiddles with the radio dial.

  ES: “Damned classical music on every station. Where’s the hockey game?”

  Pic: He parks in an urban lot near a waterfront. Captain Ishmael’s Whale Watch boat is in the background.

  ES: “I wouldn’t mind so much if I could just be a regular guy now and then.”

  Pic: Panhandler approaches as ES leaves his car.

  PANHANDLER: “Hey mister, can you spare some change?”

  Pic: ES checks his pockets.

  ES: “Sorry, I don’t have any change.”

  Pic: He hands over his watch to the astonished bum.

  ES: “Here, take my Rolex instead.”

  Pic: ES approaches a street corner. Joe SixPack is coming from another sidewalk toward the corner. They are on a collision course.

  ES: “Man, it feels good to get rid of that thing. I always felt like such a pompous jerk wearing it.”

  Pic: ES glances around, not paying attention to where he’s walking.

  ES: “Where’s a good place for lunch? Something with understated elegance and a moderately overpriced wine list.”

  Pic: ES collides with Joe SixPack at the corner.

  BOTH: “Oomph!”

  Pic: They are on the ground. Joe’s six pack has tumbled away.

  JOE: “You dumb $@#! Watch where you’re going!”

  Pic: ES helps Joe up.

  ES: “Please forgive me. It was all my fault.”

  Pic: ES hands Joe the six pack.

  ES: “Oh my, your beer cans are dented.”

  JOE: “Forget it, pal.”

  Pic: Executive Suit gestures to a nearby bar, the same one Uncle Sam smashed up.

  ES: “Come on, let me buy you a drink.”

  JOE: “Okay ... don’t mind if I do.”

  Pic: They enter the batwing doors and peruse the wrecked area. Uncle Sam’s long, striped leg can be seen going out the back door.

  JOE: “Man, somebody really busted up the place.”

  Pic: They walk through the wreckage toward the bar.

  ES: “Yeah, I like it!”

  Pic: They sit at the bar.

  BARTENDER: “What’ll you boys have?”

  ES: “Gimme a Bud.”

  JOE: “I’d like a vodka Martini, dry with a twist. Belvedere vodka, please.”

  Pic: Bartender brings the drinks.

  ES: “You have an educated taste in Martinis.”

  JOE: “Actually, I’ve never had one before. It was kinda against the rules. I’m a Stereotype, you see.”

  ES: “You too, eh?”

  Pic: They sip their drinks, turn philosophical.

  JOE: “Like, I didn’t want to cuss you out on the sidewalk. I’m just imprinted that way.”

  ES: “Yeah, I didn’t mean all that polite B.S. I said either.”

  Pic: Joe pats ES’s back, offers a cigarette.

  JOE: “I’m getting to like you, pal. You’re giving me a new sense of life’s possibilities.”

  ES: “Yeah, me, too.”

  Pic: They talk earnestly at the bar. ES smokes a cigarette; Joe puffs on a pipe. The bartender busies himself picking up furniture.

  Over burgers and booze, they discussed their many frustrations.

  Pic: ES and Joe poke their heads out the bar door, scanning the street.

  And starting that afternoon ...

  Pic: They slip out of the bar surreptitiously. ES is wearing Joe’s work clothes and carries the six pack. He puts on Joe’s hard hat. Joe wears ES’s suit.

  they made some lifestyle changes.

  Pic: They go in opposite directions.

  Minority Democrat Meets Limousine Liberal

  Have you ever kept doing the same thing even though it doesn’t work anymore, just because you’re used to it? A lot of voters are starting to realize they’re being treated as lifeless stereotypes and that it might be time for a change.

  Pic: Large mixed-race group of workers, including Minority Democrat, standing on a factory floor listening to Executive Suit speak from a platform.

  EXECUTIVE SUIT: “We’ve decided that the best way to stay competitive and protect the business for the long term is to move production from the U.S. to our overseas facility.”

  WORKERS: “#$%!” “Screw you, man!”

  Pic: Minority Democrat turns away from the speaker, has a dejected look. He wears a baseball cap with a Democrats Care slogan. Executive suit continues talking.

  EXECUTIVE SUIT: “I want to be clear, this transition is strictly a business decision.”

  WORKERS: “I’ll transition your ass!” “#$%!”

  Pic: Minority Democrat walking away from the group, shrugs helplessly.

  MINORITY DEMOCRAT: “11 years of service out the window. Some wage slave in a foreign country has my job now.”

  Pic: Minority Democrat leaves the building.

  MD: “Sure it hurts, but I’m a loyal Democratic voter so I’ve got other priorities.”

  Pic: MD walks down an impoverished inner-city street, counts on his fingers. Sign in the background – Make it Emphatic, vote straight Democratic!

  MD: “I mean, I’m totally in favor of open borders, lousy teachers protected by union contracts, more rules and regulations, more thugs getting out of jail ...”

  Pic: Close-up of MD’s face; he looks baffled.

  MD: “Or am I?”

  Pic: A stretched limousine pulls up alongside. Limousine Liberal jumps out. He’s a well-dressed, well-scrubbed, charismatic white guy.

  LIMOUSINE LIBERAL: “Hey, glad I found you!”

  Pic: Limousine Liberal approaches Minority Democrat.

  MD: “You’re a bit light for this neighborhood, aren’t you”

  LL: “Sorry. But I’m a compassionate liberal. I’m not a racist / bigot xenophobe.”

  MD: “Yeah, I kind of figured that.”

  Pic: Limousine Liberal walks with Minority Democrat, the limousine drives alongside.

  LL: “There’s an election co
ming up, and I want to find out what’s important to you.”

  Pic: They’ve stopped walking. MD has hands on hips, staring at LL skeptically.

  MD: “It’s been a while since you’ve been around – the last election, actually.”

  LL: “Well ... I’ve been very busy. But I love you people, don’t you understand?”

  MD: “Right.”

  Pic: LL gestures toward his limousine driver.

  LL: “I’ve even got a minority driver. Minority people tend my house, and another one cleans my swimming pool!”

  Pic: Close up of the driver.

  DRIVER (thought): “Yeah, and we all love you – cheap ass #$%!”

  Pic: MD still facing LL directly.

  MC: “Do you really want to know what I want?”

  LL: “That’s what I’m here for. Shoot!”

  Pic: LL looks apprehensively around.

  LL: “Bad word choice. You do have strict gun control here, don’t you?”

  Pic: They walk side by side. MD looks straight ahead, counting his talking points on his fingers. LL’s cell phone rings inside his jacket pocket, commanding his attention.

  MD: “First off, I want my job back. I want the government to protect me from getting outsourced.”

  Pic: LL has stopped walking, is speaking on his cell phone. MD walks on ahead, unaware that he’s alone now.

  MD: “I want to choose where my kids go to school. Why should there be only one public school that doesn’t work?

  Pic: MD has moved farther along, LL remains behind talking on his phone.

  MD: “I want a lot more cops – good ones that will control the thugs and play fair with decent people.”

  Pic: MD still walking. LL is texting now.

  MD: “And I want to be taken seriously. I’m not a stupid infant – I want to be listened to!”

  Pic: MD looks around, realizes that he’s alone, stops walking. A large trash receptacle is nearby.

  MD: “What the ...?”

  Pic: LL runs to catch up with MD

  LL: “Sorry, something important came up. Big fund raiser, you know.”

  Pic: LL has caught up, is putting his cell phone back into this jacket pocket. MD looks disgusted.

  LL: “So, you think that with the right policies this whole area could be a lot better, right?

  MM: “Yeah ... ”

  Pic: LL speaking in his confidential, I’m-your-friend tone.

  LL: “How about a new welfare program?”

  MM: “How about some upward mobility? Live in an upscale area – like yours, for instance.”

  Pic: LL wears an expression of wide-eyed shock.

  LL: “W-well, I’m afraid that’s not possible. I mean, of course everybody’s equal, but we compassionate types need our quiet spaces so that we can plan out the rules for everybody else.”

  MD: “Uh-huh.”

  Pic: LL is starting to get a grip on himself.

  LL: “Can you imagine? They tried to put one of those ‘low income’ developments in back of our beach condos.”

  MD: “Shocking!”

  LL: “Well, we took care of that in a hurry, let me tell you.”

  Pic: LL has regained his smooth exterior.

  LL: “Nothing personal, of course, but it just isn’t done. I thought you understood that.”

  MD: “I understand a lot more than you give me credit for.”

  Pic: Close-up of LL’s terrified face. MD’s hands are reaching for him.

  Pic: LL is stuffed in the trash can, looks out ruefully. MD takes off his Democrats Care cap and tosses it away.

  MD: I thinks it’s time I put on my Independent Cap.

  Pic: The limousine pulls alongside the trash can.

  DRIVER: “Need a ride, pal?”

  Mother Nature Gets Ticked

  Lots of jobs are a drag, but Mother Nature’s has got to be the most frustrating. Talk about occupational burnout!

  Pic: Mother Nature sits in a jammed fast food court, burger in hand. Trash receptacles overflow. People bustle past, a scene of disorder and stress. A fake potted palm with a Made in China sticker on it stands nearby.

  Pic: Mother Nature, arms outstretched, grief on her face. She’s stepped outside the food court. Behind her is a vast shopping mall and chaotic parking lot. Ahead is a dirty industrial area, spewing air and water pollution.

  MOTHER NATURE: “Look at the mess they’ve made of my planet!”

  Pic: Mother Nature kicks disgustedly at an empty soda can. Bonk!

  MOTHER NATURE: “Everywhere you look, endless ugliness.”

  Pic: Executive Suit (in construction worker garb) and another guy stand in a pristine wooded area.

  EXECUTIVE SUIT: “Nice out here, ain’t it?”

  COWORKER: “Yeah, let’s get to work.”

  MOTHER NATURE (OP): “My beautiful places are disappearing fast.”

  Pic: They climb on large machines, start bulldozing the trees. Sign – Future Site of Yet Another Shopping Mall

  Pic: Animals run from the destruction.

  MN (OP): “So many of my poor creatures have no place to live any more.”

  Pic: MN stands in an endless housing development, more houses are under construction.

  MN: “People are spreading across the land like a vast plague of locusts.”

  Pic: MN lost in a vast sea of cars in a parking lot. Top of her head is barely visible above an SUV roof. A nearby highway bridge is jammed with traffic.

  MN: “And cars are multiplying like cancer cells.”

  Pic: Strip miners dump a whole mountaintop into a pristine valley.

  MN (OP): “How much longer do they think they can crap in their own nest? Do they think they can survive on a rubble heap?

  Pic: Composite picture of marching troops, haranguing politicians, a mushroom cloud in the distance.

  MN (OP): “Stupid wars, wooden-headed leaders, nuclear weapons ... and don’t get me started on all that climate stuff!”

  Pic: An ideal vista of natural beauty. Mother Nature stands on a hilltop looking out with pride, arms outspread.

  MN (OP): “It was so much better before people came along.”

  Pic: Dinosaurs come stomping through, Mother Nature rushes out of the way.

  MN (OP): “After those stinky dinosaurs cleared out, that is.”

  Pic: Present day. Mother Nature wears a stern look, jerks a thumb at herself.

  MN: “You folks had better change your ways, or I’ll be changing mine. I know when I’m not wanted!”

  Pic: MN sitting at a computer monitor, viewing the jobs board.

  MN: “There’s a new job opening, and I might be just the one to fill it.”

  Pic: Close up of computer monitor – Position open due to recent career change. Travel required. Must be people oriented.

  Pic: Mother Nature looks back over her shoulder with a self-satisfied, knowing expression.

  Pic: Mother Nature wearing the Grim Reaper’s robe, holding the scythe. Her face peers from under the hood – a fierce, determined look on it.

  Epilog

  And to All a Good Night!

  On this upbeat note, we’ll leave our friends to their new careers. Good luck to them all.

  So, how’s your job going – time for a change yet?

  THE END

  Thanks for reading! You must have liked the stories if you got this far, so why not write a review? Just a few words, either at the online bookstore where you obtained this book or in any other medium you wish. May numerous blessings come your way.

  Connect with the Author

  Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed the story.

  Please visit my website and blog at: “The B2”

  Brian’s Other Books

  Here are brief descriptions of my other adult books. They are available at all major online retailers in ebook format. To find the relevant links, please visit my website at “The B2”

  Return to M
ech City

  The end of the world as you've never seen it before. Life goes on in Mech City, but it is no longer human.

  As mankind succumbs to its follies and exits the stage, scholar model robot, Winston Horvath, makes a perilous journey to Mech City, the place of his manufacture.

  But Mech City is in a downward spiral. The robotic inhabitants, are turning to suicide or brigandage. Winston meets Star Power – the world’s only functional female robot. She and Winston “click,” but Winston cannot satisfy Star’s robust desires. She is on a whole new level of creation from him.

  Things unravel when a despised test bed robot morphs into Fascista Ultimo and establishes a Roboto Fascist dictatorship. He has designs on Star. Winston flees with her to gather forces for a counter-coup and, perhaps, get himself upgraded so as to bring Star true satisfaction.

  Science Fiction / Humor / Dystopian

  Expedition Westward

  Sequel to Return to Mech City

  What is the cost of rediscovering true love in a shattered world? Whatever it might be, Star is willing to pay, or not survive the outcome. A trek along dangerous roads provides the answer. The dystopian adventure continues.

  Science Fiction / Humor / Dystopian

  Raptor Aces

  The terrifying Zone of Destruction – ZOD, the absence of God. It has taken over the lives of the Raptor Aces, an elite Youth League air squadron and its commander, Dytran. They must overcome its toxic influence or face annihilation.

  Dytran is the cream of his nation – proud, dynamic, convinced of his inherent superiority. Although a supporter and beneficiary of his totalitarian society, he lacks the brutal heart of the true fanatic. His world unravels when a poor decision goes horribly wrong, resulting in death and destruction. When his fighter ace brother is reported killed in the great Eastern war, the bottom goes out of his life.

  An encounter with the Magleiter, leader of the nation, bucks him up. He grabs at a chance to volunteer for support aviation service in the war. At the front, he and his comrades encounter an enemy who is not the degenerate race of the propaganda broadcasts but a tough, resourceful foe. They are scattered to fend for themselves in a landscape so ravaged by war that normal reality has become unhinged. Dytran becomes swept up in violence and revenge until escape seems beyond reach.

  New Adult / Action-Adventure / War

  4th Musketelle

  Trophy wife Laila Armstrong has chafed under the domination of husband Frank for fifteen years. When she learns that her adult “step children” are plotting to cut her out of their dad’s lucrative business affairs, she goes into panic mode.

  Although Frank has yet to approve the plan, Laila fears the worst. She must act fast to avoid being thrown back into the poverty she escaped years earlier. Murder seems to be a reasonable solution – much better than a messy divorce and without so many lawyers involved.

  Laila plots to use Frank’s infamous temper against him and make his death seem like a self-inflicted “accident.” Things don't work out as planned, though, and it’s not certain who will survive the final cut.

  Dark Humor / Romantic Homicide

  DAS ROAD

  A road novel with fascinating turns through exotic Asia, workaday America, and Iran caught up in revolution. Travel realms where anything is possible, wonderful, or horrible. And always on the road ahead, the mythical figure of Jon Glass who haunts the entire journey. A story imbued with meaning just below the level of articulating. A siren call to your wanderlust.

  Travel / Mystery

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